So it's time once again that Apple brings forth their "new" product, this one heralded as the iPhone 5; the biggest innovation since the iPhone 4S, which was the biggest innovation in phones since the iPhone 4, which was the biggest innovation in phones since the iPhone 3GS, and according to Apple, before the 3G, touchscreens and "smart" phones didn't exist.
The funniest thing about Apple is how devote their fans are. If you've seen the Samsung Galaxy SIII ad, it pretty much mocks not Apple, but the people who purchase their product. Why?
Because you're fucking retarded.
From what I've seen, the people who purchase Apple products (save the iPod products, which I am under the belief are actual quality products) have this strange, delirious idea that they actually matter in the eyes of Apple, or that they feel that they, by association of the product, are part of Apple as a company or market strategy, or that they matter in the slightest.
Here's a news flash: Apple doesn't care about you as anything more than an increment on their quarterly profits.
Now that I have that out of the way, I want to talk about the two dumbest things I've ever seen that either have sold well, or will sell very graciously upon its release:
The iPhone 5 and the iPad Mini.
The iPhone 5 is one of the most conservative phones I've ever seen, but that's not what really gets me. No, what really gets me isn't the fact that it has absolutely no reasonable improvement over the iPhone 4S, nor that it doesn't have any logical sort of size that a phone should have that doesn't make it look out of proportion, nor that it hasn't really done anything to make it any sort of innovation, one of the key principles Apple likes to claim it is good at.
No, the thing that pisses me off so much about the iPhone 5 is the fact that it claims to be innovative by pointing out three key, mundane things that no-one really gives a shit about.
Let's start by introducing the ads that the iPhone 5 has generated in Australia. The first I remember seeing was an ad about the size of the phone, and that "the ordinary human thumb stretches from x to y, and the iPhone 5 screen stretches from x to y as well, so is this coincidence, or genius design?"
This is ludicrous because I remember the same thing being said about the iPhone 4, and then about the iPhone 4S. In fact, I remember people at my old school (pre-graduation) talking about that, and how ingenious Apple were for making a phone that conformed to logical extremity dimensions.
Adding what, a quarter of an inch, or half an inch or something, to the top of it, whilst not widening the screen at all, only does a few things:
-Make it easier to snap, because now there's more weight on both sides of the phone's relative center.
-Set user-created apps out of proportion for this phone exclusively, because while the rest of the Apple market is using iOS5 or iOS6 with the standard iPhone, iPod or iPad display ratio, this phone has increased it.
The next was an ad about how super fucking cool the new panoramic picturing software is, to which I say, so what?
I have a two year old phone which can take brilliant panoramic pictures. Sure, it may only be a 5 megapixel camera, but it gets the job done. Apple, on the other hand, would like to take a moment to reflect on their great fucking innovation to the phone market by pointing out just how unique panoramic imaging is, and how no other phone on the market can do it.
Oh, except pretty much every Android phone with Android 2.3.
Moving on, the final, and I mean absolute final thing that Apple has pointed out about their fucking amazing and highly innovative item, is the new earphones that come with it.
That's right, instead of bragging about the new iOS6 and how it's basically iOS5 but corrects the battery life so you don't get 30 minutes from your phone; instead of talking about the A6 chip and how it gives you 3% extra power compared to the A5 chip; instead of talking about how Siri is the exact same useless piece of shit as it always was; they decide that the third biggest selling point of the iPhone 5, apart from the brand name of Apple, of course, is that its headphones aren't fucking round anymore.
How amazing, Apple! A third of your sales pitch of the iPhone isn't even about the iPhone, it's about a shitty pair of headphones that are essentially outdated for those who use the ear plug style earphones or those who use actual headphones, you know, the ones that wrap above your head?
The next turd is the iPad Mini; something so ludicrous, they actually had to wait for Steve Jobs', as stupid as he was from all the weed he smoked every day, to die.
Do you know why? Because the idea is fucking stupid to begin with. I assumed something like this would happen, except I thought that they'd just re-market the iPhone 3GS as an iPad mini, and then say that you can also make phone calls with it, and then they'd be able to charge you the stupid $1,000 or whatever people are willing to throw away for the "next big thing."
The iPad Mini is stupid because it achieves absolutely fucking nothing; it's STILL too big to comfortably fit in a pocket (something that, up until the iPhone 5, their phones and iPod products COULD do), but now it's too small to compete with the tablets on the market. And as much as I hate it, it's going to sell because Apple says it will. Everything Apple makes turns to gold because of their consumer fanbase, and I say fanbase and not userbase, because most other technologies have users; you're not an Android fan, you just use Android. Similarly, you're not a Windows fan, you just use (and probably prefer) Windows. But for some reason, people who buy Apple products are fans, not users, and to tell you the truth I believe them. If I spent $1,000 on a phone that is basically a battery upgrade to a phone released two years ago, I'd have to sell the idea to myself, and then get defensive on the topic if anyone so much as hints that they think I made a silly investment decision.
Apple is the pinnacle of ludicrous and I hate them. While I'm sure I can say a whole lot more, I think at the end of the day that's that, and my opinion is only as good as those who agree with my opinion.
